Being immersed by technology from a young age, I believe I have been fortunate to own a myriad of different computers thus far. Those that stick out to me being the first (family) computer running Windows 98, the time where I strayed to using an iMac briefly to then resort with computers running Windows OS’s again. In the future, it is likely that I will relocate to Linux for personal matters. At least when I will straighten out my very specific gaming reasons.
Nevertheless, that will not be the rantings for today.
December 21st of 2001. At home with our family computer.
Let me share you another anecdote. For context, it starts with my recent purchase of a custom-built gaming computer, being my third one of this particular class. This time I moved from a Nvidia GTX 1060 to a AMD RX 9070 XT card. Yeah, a huge upgrade. “I should certainly have no issues with disposing of both my previous computer and my even-older gaming build I have, for some reason, hoarded over the years,” I thought. It was not until I unearthed the latter from the basement that the realisation as of why hit me. A shock wave of emotions incurred me, really.
Picture this, it was the year of 2013. At 16 years old I was about to begin my upper secondary education. Already exhausted from school and anything allied with it, but still somewhat eager. I was to study a vocational program within the IT field, focused on computer and network technology. “This could actually be a redeeming point,” I believed, pursuing what I knew was a single enduring interest of mine.
First day of classes, and our first class in computer technology was about to commence. Our educator made an entrance like no other, he strolled in with a metal pushcart overloaded with hardware components and calmly placed one component on each pupil’s desk. “What component is infront of you and what is it used for?” he quizzed us, gathering an estimation of each pupil’s initial knowledge.
The same question rolls over to me. “Ehh, I honestly have no idea.” Even though it was subdued, the laughter felt uncomfortably loud. Right there I felt I had walked into a trap and exposed myself as the “dumb girl”, nonetheless in a male-dominated field. I know I am dramatic, teenage angst after all, though I did feel a real sense of wanting to disappear off the face of the earth. It was excruciating.
Fast forward to February of 2014. In spite of my embarrasing first impression I was seriously motivated in my studies. By this point I had also pestered my parents enough on increasing the allowance of my birthday gift. I had laid down my arguments as compelling as I could, the iMac I owned was becoming weary and it would be an advantage to my studies to run a Windows computer again. Added upon that, I were to purchase the PC in parts. Forcing me to learn and build it myself, all while making sure that every penny will be well-spent rather than wasting money on Alienware or whatever was popular at the time.
Gratefully, I got my wish granted and frankly did the bare-minimum of a research just so I could get ahold of each PC component without delay.
February 19th of 2014, my childhood friends were so kind to help me pick up my PC components from the nearest postal office. If it is not overtly clear, we were humoured by the concept of lending shopping trolleys and hauling all of it to my home ourselves. No cars involved!
Once the components were hauled home, it became a bit of a waiting game. Since the shipment came during Winter, which entail in dark afternoons(!) in Sweden, I knew I would require a complete weekend with as much daylight as possible and be free of any responsibilities. It would be my first-ever PC build after all, so I wanted to be prepared should anything go wrong. The magnitude of it also dawned on my parents, nervously looking at a sea of crushed cardboard boxes at home.
The weekend arrived. I immediately hogged our family’s dinner table and dumped all of the components on it. There I stayed hyperfocused for around 8 hours straight. Dumbfounded as to why the PC would not boot, even though I had partly reassembled it for the third time. “Hanessa, you need to eat and let it be for the rest of the day, please,” my mother pleaded. “Get some quality sleep tonight and you will untangle this mess tomorrow.”
February 22nd of 2014. I was probably frustrated here, trying to wrap my mind around which blasted cables and connectors I should utilize on the modular PSU.
So what is the takeaway of this offbeat anecdote? Well for starters, it will surely not involve a whole weekend for me to build a computer the next time. But I confess, I will always loathe cable management and have no qualms in paying extra to let a professional attend to it. I see this as being generous.
A bit of a joking aside, while it still can hold true, there is a message in all of this. It was not the fact that I was the sole girl to graduate in my class and kept trudging on, no, I refuse to draw that card. The fact was that this specific PC build was an amalgamation of how I had approached life previously, how often I felt omitted from social gatherings, the desire of proving everybody wrong piling up within me and seeking approval.
Yet at the same time a memento of one’s self-preservation, albeit quite naive. I dared to push myself into unknown land and truly came out both unharmed and more experienced. I acknowledged the idea of learning of one’s mistakes, admittedly in an arrogant way.
Yes, I had kept this computer for so long like a suppressed memory of a fairly painful past, that I simply was overwhelmed with trying to get rid off it over the years.
After mourning a little, with letting my tear ducts run loose, I had it decided finally. It was time to let it go. Let this particular past go and forgive myself for having relied on everybody else’s confirmation instead of seizing my own source of joy to begin with.
Off to the recycling centre my significant other and I went.
PS. Remember the legendary Cooler Master Hyper 212 EVO CPU cooler? Those of you who are in the know, it was GLORIOUS although a b*tch to install! 😉